Spring

I don't do New Year's resolutions anymore. Frankly, I find the idea of them somewhat depressing, not to mention wholly uninspiring. Who wants to commit to better living in the dreary gray of January, with the excesses of the holidays still casting long, guilty shadows? If I'm going to resolve anything at all, I much prefer spring resolutions. Resolutions made in March or April have so much more vitality and positive energy; I feel as though I can do anything with the warm vibrancy of spring cheering me on. No offense to winter and its cozy comforts, but spring is the season I covet year-round. There's nothing better than this light to inspire you, to lighten your mood. Spring brings out the optimist in me.

I like the idea of making a commitment to yourself; there's something sort of romantic and decadent about self-promises, even if they're never realized. I'm getting to a point again where I want to invest in myself, to see just how much I'm capable of accomplishing, and it's kind of exciting. There are few things more thrilling than ideas, harnessing that creative force that demands innovation, invites experimentation, and imagines perfection. I love the process of creation. I love feeling the effortlessness of inspiration. It's come to me so rarely in the last several years.

I've made a lot of promises to myself so far. I'm going to read at least 15 books this year, for instance. That's brought both joy and an unexpected peace - I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed reading for hours at a time. I've read four books so far this year, and I'm nearly finished with a fifth. I've also resolved to treat my body with more respect, and that means starting to exercise again and eating a more balanced diet. My mind is spinning with all the things I want to accomplish in this vein, and I'm actually kind of excited about working out at home. I miss the feeling of accomplishment and defiance after a good workout. And lord knows I love a challenge in the kitchen. More salads, methinks. God, there are so many things I want to accomplish this year!

Above all, though, I want to stay positive. For me? Not an easy task. I tend toward pessimism. It's been passed down through generations of women in our family, and it's something we have to struggle with every day. In the past, I've given myself over to frustration, depression, and anxiety willingly, taking a sick pleasure in indulging those negative emotions. I've been morose, hopeless, and adrift more than I'd like to admit, and haven't done much more than complain about it. I don't know when or how or why, but I finally decided to snap out of it and stop taking such a dismal view of the world. There are too many things to treasure in my life, and realizing - really understanding - how truly fortunate I am has been shocking, in the best way. I'm not sunny and cheerful 100% of the time - nor would I want to be - but I've found it extremely liberating to focus intently on the positive. At least once a day, no matter how I feel, I force myself to smile, or to laugh at something absurd or frustrating. So far, it's been wonderful. I can't wait to see how much my life will improve just through the simple act of embracing happiness in each of its tiny incarnations. And especially now that I'm in the house, I have a feeling there's a lot more joy coming to me if I'm willing to look for it.

I'm finally ready to love life, to love my life. I'm in a good place.