Week in review

This week was pretty crappy, what with the constant, oppressive rain and the tire that disintegrated while I was on the highway and the onslaught of deadlines at work. It wasn't all bad in the balance, though. Here's what brought me a little joy this week:

--Making exciting travel plans that shall remain a secret until I've returned
--The new TV, which continues to dazzle
--The fact that I managed to stay in a pretty good mood all week despite getting dumped on for the majority of it
--Impromptu Gloria's with my mom and stepdad
--Jay getting Callie's infinite dorkiness on video
--Archer Farms chicken sausage lasagna (with walnut pesto cream sauce...oh man)
--An unexpected Skype concert with Portland friends; man, can Jason sing!
--Playing the viola again, even though I was so nervous I couldn't stop shaking
--The first part of Battlestar Galactica's two-part finale. Chills!
--Finding out that Twisted Root is now open and immediately heading there for lunch
--Hosting the little sibs and indulging in Rock Band, pizza, and Bubba Ho-tep

In other (boring) news, I'm really hoping to get back into a regular exercise schedule this week; I've discovered that I don't adhere to my plan very well when I'm stressed out and overworked. But I have faith! Somewhere deep down, I'm determined. I can do this!

The week in review

Pretty much every Sunday, I spend half the day dreading the upcoming work week instead of actually enjoying what's left of the weekend. It sucks. So I've decided to start making a list of all the bright spots in my week -- whatever's sparked a little joy in the midst of the drudgery. Here's what was cool about my week:

--Getting to spend time with my little sister on her 11th birthday and thinking how strange and wonderful it is that I got to see her take her first breath
--This recipe for chicken braised in Scotch and Major Grey chutney. Words fail.
--The Beaucoup Berries chocolate bar from Dagoba, one small, perfect bite at a time
--My new phone! It's made of awesome.
--Starting a new photography project that will serve as a chronicle of all the days before I move and (I hope) make them more memorable. I savor any chance to live more consciously, to be more present and aware. This is one way to do that.
--Spending quality time with my amazing mom; we always have so much fun together
--Realizing how cool it is that we've started a tradition based on $3 margaritas
--Seeing Slumdog Millionaire for the first time and not being disappointed despite all the hype
--Making plans to take a photography trip next weekend
--Sprawling out by a fire on a cold night, drinking in Dvorak and Berlioz and Holst and feeling my whole body expand with the beauty of it
--Pomegranate saketinis (an idea that came to me early in the week) in my beloved green martini glasses
--A certain upcoming visit from certain Portlanders being confirmed (with certainty) :)

Fun with Photo Booth

Sometimes, there's nothing I enjoy more than being silly, especially when I can recruit my younger siblings into the goofiness.

Here we are as a pop art trio:

...and slightly sinister, shadowy forces:

...and...ummm...:

...grotesquely stretched:

...circus freaks:

...and nightmare-inducing monsters:

Just so I don't end on such a scary note, here are 2 cool photos the kids came up with when left to their own devices:


Pretty neat, those two. I kinda like 'em.

Spenser Dixon, 1999-2008

Spenser, you will be missed. You were Callie's favorite playmate and the most energetic, joyful 9-year-old dog I've ever seen -- a puppy 'til the very end. You were more than a handful, but that's only because you were overflowing with love and excitement, more than you could possibly contain. You were a goofball and a spaz, a lovable beast, and a perfect gentleman to your canine brothers and sisters. You may not have been gentle, but you had a gentle spirit, and our lives won't be the same without your infectious energy brightening every room.



Rest in peace, buddy.

The brave ones

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the maddening minutiae of everyday life, so consumed by petty frustrations and deep-seated dissatisfactions, I have to take a minute to reflect and laugh. I mean, come on. I lead a charmed life. I have a crazy, loving family, wonderful friends, the cutest dog that ever lived, a safe place to sleep at night, and enough money to live comfortably. I'm healthy and have all my limbs, my eyesight (thank you, contacts and glasses!), my hearing, my sense of smell. So what do I have to complain about?

It's a valuable lesson, each and every time I learn it. Make a conscious effort to be thankful for the gifts you've been given. Be present. Don't take things for granted. Enjoy the good, and let the bad wash away. It's not always easy, but it's essential.

Certain things help me gain perspective when I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. There are people like Jana, whose words are as beautiful as her spirit, despite the challenges life throws at her. There's Molly, who lost her sense of smell in a horrific accident and has written about her experiences and her gradual recovery with astonishing grace. There are stories of atrocities and triumphs that are beyond my comprehension. I'm overwhelmed by the immensity of the human experience and the minuscule part I play. It makes me feel insignificant, happily so.

Lately, I've been increasingly fascinated by how brave people can be. How that bravery takes shape in the most surprising ways; how fluid the concept of bravery is. It can be sharing your dreams and disappointments with strangers, even if you remain anonymous. It can be quitting your job; standing up for an injustice; just getting out of bed in the morning. Often, I wish I were bolder, braver. I wish I had the courage to take risks. I wish I could quit my job, move across the country, open my own business. But week after month after year, I smother my ambitions with fear and doubt. I wish I were brave. I wish I were more like El.

See, my best friend, El, is one of the bravest people I've ever met, in so many spectacular ways. I'm still in awe of her, ten years after we met (ten years!). Yesterday, she called me from Africa, where's she's on a solo (!!) five-week vacation, spanning several countries on that continent. She's gone on safari, seen elephants and lions and hyenas and zebras and wildebeests, gone bungee jumping, white water rafting, and quad biking, made friends with just about everyone she's met, and documented the whole thing via pictures and diary entries. She also got into a car accident the other day that fractured her skull. Now, if this were me, I'd get on the first flight home, then huddle in bed for a month feeling sorry for myself. Not El. She's already out of the hospital, upbeat, finalizing the details for the last leg of her trip. She refuses to let that experience derail her trip. Ever since I've known her, she's been fearless -- she faces challenges like she's already conquered them. I wish I were like that. I want to be brave.

But for now, I'll just focus on being grateful. It's enough.

Life isn't half bad

Oh, don't you just love days where you're inexplicably buoyed by unseen forces and everything brings a smile to your face? I'm having one of those days today. Everything is making me happy. My car is shiny. I got to eat the most excellent Thai red curry and steamed dumplings from my favorite Asian restaurant. I'm knee deep in the best real-life love story I've read in a really long, long time, which is making my knees weak. The work day is half over. And my iPod is playing the best sequence of songs right now. You wouldn't think such small things could add up to perfect contentment, but you'd be wrong.

Other things making me happy:
--The thought of being in Portland a month from today
--My new red bamboo salad bowl


--The excellent salad we made last night in said bowl
--My new printer/scanner/copier
--Sunlight
--Plans I'm devising in my head for dinner tonight
--The promise of an awesome family get-together, complete with tamales, in just 3 days
--The lingering memory of that pink Prosecco I had weeks ago
--Unstoppable creativity

All in all, I'm feeling pretty charmed.

Party observations

I have 15 mosquito bites on my feet. I don't have mosquito bites anywhere but my feet. This perplexes me.

Raw chicken sitting in the sink for almost 24 hours will produce a most unpleasant odor.

When one hosts one's family, one should not expect to step in blue gum the next morning.

Good friends will talk to your drunk, hopelessly lost brother for 20 minutes to guide him back to your house.

Sometimes, the quiet, conservative one will surprise you by smoking the hookah.

Good music unites. Drunk freestyle rap divides.

Fresh dog shit will end a game of frisbee in a hurry.

Self-love

From Jezebel: 25 Things All Women Should Learn to Do. I especially like this one:

"Take yourself personally.Your persistent low self-esteem: how did it get that way? Were you awkward growing up? Not quick or witty enough? Just ugly? Once you gained a shred of confidence, did you blow your wad seeking out companions you knew would make you feel inadequate? Why? Think you're a narcissist? Or just a weak person? Guess what? We're all different. We're all completely individual assemblages of genetic traits and collected experiences. We're all special, which is precisely what makes us so un-special. If you harbor lingering dissatisfaction with yourself, figuring out what it is is a pretty good way to start coming to terms with that."

There's no greater gift you can give yourself than self-acceptance. And getting there takes a little work. That's why I'm glad I've been single for over 3 years. I've learned to be comfortable with myself; I've learned to love being alone. For me, that was essential -- I couldn't figure out why I was such an insecure, self-loathing mess until I realized that I was trying to be someone else. It took letting go of something destructive to realize that I could be happy without sacrificing who I am and what I want.

See, a few years ago, I was in a doomed relationship. I spent all my energy trying to pretend we weren't entirely wrong for each other, something I knew in the back of my mind but ignored from the very beginning. When it ended badly (as doomed love affairs tend to do), it broke me into tiny, painful pieces, and it took me a long, long time to heal. In some ways, I'm still healing -- I don't know that I'll ever get over that first real betrayal, my first heartbreak. But you know what? I wouldn't go back and change anything, as much as it makes me cringe to remember how pathetic I was. I took so much away from that experience, and as cheesy as it sounds, I'm a much stronger person now. If I hadn't gone through that pain, I probably wouldn't have accomplished half of the things I've done since. Once I woke up from the delusion and realized that I was free to be whoever the hell I wanted to be, flaws and all, it allowed me to be creative again, to try new things, to take some chances. Now, most of the time, I actually like myself. Sure, there are still a lot of things I want to work on, but without the constant self-doubt and self-hatred dogging me, I'm a lot better positioned to conquer those lingering demons and bad habits.

So there you have it: doomed relationships have a silver lining! And if there's any advice I can give my brother right now, it's this: don't fight the pain. Let it come, let it suck, because it will. But know that when the worst of it has passed, it's left you with a whole mess of wisdom. It's up to you to sort through that heap o'knowledge and use it for your own good.

Death x2

Universe, are you finished? We're crying uncle here. Enough with the buckets of pain, ok?

It's been an emotional couple of weeks for the people I love, and I sincerely hope that things level out soon, because I don't think we can take much more stress in our lives. I feel a bit helpless, knowing that nothing I do can erase what's happened or take away the sting of grief. All I can do is listen, support, encourage, and give out hugs as needed. It's a trying time.

My grandmother, my dad's mom, passed away yesterday. It wasn't unexpected, but it's still difficult, especially for my dad. Gammie (as she insisted we call her) was my dad's only parent, and her death has affected him more than he thought it would. None of us were very close to her, but she's family, and it's strange to think that she won't be around anymore, making us laugh, inspiring stories we'll tell and re-tell for years to come. Now, we'll have to honor her memory by keeping those childhood recollections alive and trying, somehow, to understand her long, strange life. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore, and I can only hope that she's much happier now, reunited with her memories, no longer bound to a wasted body and mind.

We'll be traveling to Louisiana this week (my second trip to the state of my birth in as many weeks), and I don't quite know how we're going to feel at that funeral. I'm not grieving, exactly, but I'm sure the service will affect all of us somewhat. I think it's going to finally hit home that we're not teenagers anymore, that we have only a limited time left with our remaining grandparents and great-aunts and -uncles, and that is one scary thought. I'm not prepared for that onslaught of emotional hell. None of us is quite prepared. All we can do is treasure the time we have left and visit as much as we're able.

My mom already wrote about the other bad news we recently received, far more eloquently than I'm able, but I'll try to put my scattered thoughts into words. We found out last week, to everyone's shock, that my sweet younger brother will be going through the heartache of divorce after 21 months of marriage. I know he's devastated, and I wish I could absorb some of that pain and disappointment for him. The healing process is going to take a lot of time, and I just hope that he's not consumed with regret; that instead, he can eventually look back on their nearly 7 years together with some measure of gratitude and affection. I hope that he and Hannah can stay in each other's lives after the dust has settled and the pain and anger have dissipated somewhat. I hate to think that this lovely girl, whatever her faults, won't be a part of our lives anymore. Even though we weren't extremely close, I was so fond of her, and had so much hope for their relationship despite the odds. She and Michael essentially grew up together, and Hannah was a well-loved member of our family since they were both teenagers. It's hard to fathom her sudden absence. I can't begin to imagine how Michael is coping with the loss. I just want to hug him so tightly every time I see him.

I don't think we'll ever truly know what went wrong, or what, if anything, could have been done to prevent this split. Michael, bless him, is keeping the details private, and we will continue to respect his wishes. I think it's admirable, and Michael has a lot of integrity. He's young, but he's more mature than even he realizes. Strong, too, though he may not feel that way at the moment. I'm glad that he has an army of supporters to lean on; our family may have its faults, but we circle around each other with fierce love and unyielding support when one of our own is in pain. I just wish there were magical words that I could say to ease his suffering, but I know from experience that the healing process, though painfully slow, is essential - that Michael will come out on the other side with a better understanding of himself, with wisdom and maturity. Until then, he has us. I've never felt closer to my family, and as regrettable as the circumstances are, I'm grateful that we're united during this difficult time.

Christmas bounty!

I almost titled this "Christmas booty," but I like to reserve the word "booty" for special occasions. Anyway, though I never quite got infected with the Christmas spirit this year like I have in years past, I really enjoyed seeing everyone open their gifts. I tried hard to tailor gifts to each person's personality or interests so they knew some thought went into choosing them. I think I succeeded for the most part, too. My favorite gift was the Egyptian hookah I got for my brother and sister-in-law. So pretty! (Though the one I got for them has a blue and gold glass base and a blue hose.)

I got some awesome things, too. A beautiful red scarf, glassware I've been coveting for two years, a toaster oven, a cute hat with dangly ear flaps, a couple comedy DVDs, the Brat Pack DVD collection that comes in a 3-ring binder, perfume, a mini-food processor, a cupcake carrier, the newest Cranium game, the Superbad special edition DVD, some candles, and the gift that keeps on giving...money! But this year wasn't about getting gifts at all...I would have been perfectly happy just giving and not receiving this year. I was just happy to see everyone gather together (at 3 different places this year!) and get along, have fun, make some unforgettable memories, and take pictures...definitely some priceless stuff.

I hope everyone had a very merry holiday, and best wishes for the new year!

(Coming up: a 2007 personal best-of list!)